Today is a great day for the Bundys.
Daddy paid the water bill. How do you do it, Al?
As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune, I came up with a bold financial plan.
I sold my blood.
All right. It is time to cut the ceremonial ribbon.
Peg, as someone who's been...
...symbolically cutting things off for years...
...will you do the honors?
I declare this the Al Bundy faucet...
...which, like its namesake, has been dry Io these many months, open.
Okay, here we go.
It's the water! It's the water!
Oh, Al, it's so brown on the first day.
And crunchy too.
Now, don't waste any of this stuff.
This crunchy stuff is life-giving vitamins, minerals and asbestos.
All right, who wants Bundy iced tea?
I do! I do!
Okay, here we go.
Oh, boy.
It's like Christmas, our birthdays and the Fourth of July all in one.
Toast.
To Dad's blood.
And the poor sap who got it.
Well, it's brown, just like I like it.
I think I broke my tooth.
- There you go. - God is good to us.
Yes, he is.
Must have been a washer.
- Lucky duck. - Yeah, lucky indeed.
I got lumpy water and you're the family that loves me.
Who could ask for anything more?
I could.
And I believe it's time for one of you ingrown toenails to get a job.
So can I have a volunteer?
No one? Gee, really?
Wait a second. Something's missing.
Pretend I have money. Everyone put their hands out.
Yep, there's a hand missing.
I'm late.
Congratulations, pumpkin. You just volunteered.
Come on, kid. This could get ugly.
We're going to the park to pick up some chicks.
You know the routine. Find a girl, tell her I saved your life in Nam...
...and I no longer have any feelings left in my hands.
The only thing that could bring it back is the touch of a beautiful woman.
That's "woman." Let's not have any stupid mistakes like last week, okay?
Hey, I'm 6.
- You should know better. - So should you.
He was carrying a cat and singing show tunes, for God's sakes.
Al, don't do this to my baby.
Oh, my God. He's gonna ask me to get a job.
Don't do this, Al.
Throughout history, Wanker women have done nothing.
And we're proud of it.
Why, we sat on pioneer couches at the backs of wagon trains.
We slept late during Indian attacks...
...and had our hair done while our husbands had theirs scalped.
You know, the West is speckled with graveyards...
...filled with the bodies of men who died before their time...
...supporting Wanker women.
Don't break the chain, Al. Don't break the chain.
Pumpkin, I have something that I have to tell you.
Oh, my God, he is gonna ask me to get a job.
- It's okay, it's okay. Come on, sit down. - Yes, yes, yes.
There, there, there, my little leech, there, there.
Now, honey, let me explain this to you by telling you...
...about the plough horse that had to pull the heavy wagon.
- What was the horsey's name, Daddy? - Al.
The horsey in your story has your name, Daddy.
Yes, he did, pumpkin.
Anyway, he pulled and he pulled.
And then on the road, a big red cow jumped onto the cart.
Wouldn't it be funny if the cow's name was Peggy?
And before he knew it, little horsey after little horsey jumped on the cart...
...until poor Al collapsed in a heap and died a horrible, twitching death.
That was a good story, Daddy.
Indeed.
But, honey, the story doesn't have to end that way.
If a little horsey would help out...
...maybe the Al horse could save a few bucks...
...and then go to the nudie horsey bar.
So in fact, your little story is just a thinly veiled allegory...
...a Metamucil, if you will...
...to convince me by imagery to get a job.
How coincidental that it should come now...
...while I have been so busy thinking about the emptiness of my existence.
I know I must have a greater purpose.
Maybe I should get a job.
Now, now, red cow.
Sweetheart, all I can tell you is you're gonna love work.
I do.
I really don't.
So you think you got what it takes to be a burger waitress?
Let's see your application.
It's blank.
Well, you got what it takes to be a burger waitress.
So is there any training that I have to do?
Well, let's see. Do you know what a plate looks like?
Excellent!
Do you know what a table looks like?
Excellent!
Now, you take one to the other.
Do you know which one?
Well, the table would be too heavy to take to the plate.
Ergo, as Shakespeare said, the plate's the thing.
You are a find.
Feel good about yourself, missy. You have chosen a profession...
...in which many great Americans have rotted away their youth.
Now, smile.
- What was that for? - That's a "before" picture.
- What is "harginher"? - That's hamburger.
The H is silent, you illiteral.
Well, I assume "flies" means fries.
Now, what is this? "Two balls and a chick quacker"?
That's two bowls of chicken soup...
...and quackers.
Well, "ugg" on my face, eh?
Well, listen...
...I just want to tell you, you're the stupidest girl I've had working here.
And that says a lot, that says an awful lot.
In fact, you are one whopping moron.
So you wanna go out with me later?
I would rather stick my nose in the deep fryer.
That is, if there's enough room for it with the mouse in there.
Hey, I worked an hour to get half of that out of there.
Besides, the people seem to like it.
We call them Cajun fries.
We're almost out. Could you set a couple of traps?
And set them on "stun," they stay fresher.
There she is! There's my little girl.
The first Bundy woman to have ever worked.
Jefferson, get a picture of me and my little girl in her place of work.
Okay. Say "ptomaine."
Hey, didn't you take my picture once when I was on a cruise?
I think I was with Florence Henderson.
You think if I was that good-looking guy from The Love Boat...
...I'd be doing this?
No, I'd be rich.
Another picture, captain?
I mean, Fonzie? Al.
Yes, yes, one right over here.
Oh, look at this. This is my baby's first tip.
Get a picture of this.
Now get a picture of this.
Pumpkin, I want you to know that this is the proudest day of my life...
...and will remain so until the day your mother leaves me.
Let's go, Jefferson. I'll bet you can't wait until your firstborn gets a job.
Well, by the time my first kid is born...
...I'll have already been gone eight months.
Children, this is the last stop for our school program "Scared Smart"...
...in which we learn that being cool in high school does not mean success.
To demonstrate, I give you the former queen of our high school.
She was so pretty and so popular...
...and she dated all the male teachers and my husband...
...and my boyfriend, who was only 16, but God, did he earn that A.
Anyway, she learned nothing in five years of high school...
...and you worshipped her for it.
You used to know her as Kelly Bundy...
...but now she answers to the name she'll carry for the rest of her life.
Hey, waitress!
- It is Kelly Bundy! - Oh, my God.
I've got to get to the library!
Well, Ms. Bundy, now that you're a waitress...
...I'd like to give you a tip: Stay away from my new husband.
He's 18 and still peaking.
Well, he'd have to peek. He wouldn't want to look at it dead on.
- I'm hungry! - You know the rules.
Never eat until your sister gets home.
Now we eat!
Man, look at the grease on this bag.
Always the sign of a fine restaurant.
Come on there, get in there.
Oh, man. Look how much some guy left over from his hamburger.
The sap.
- Dad, want some mashed potatoes? - Yes, I would.
Well, we'll get rid of that.
Buck, will you bring me my fuzzy slippers?
Thanks, boy.
Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't bring you anything.
God, I did him a favor.
The only thing worse than serving the food is eating it.
Well, these fries are delicious.
Look, this one's curly like a mouse's tail.
I want my mommy. Where is she?
Well, your mother's kind of sad about something.
I don't know what it's about.
I didn't ask her because then she'd tell me.
Say hello to your daughter.
I don't have a daughter.
If I had a daughter, she would never work.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Nobody knows the sorrow.
Hey, food!
Daddy, I'm thinking of quitting my job.
Pumpkin, no!
You can't quit your job.
And I say that not because I'm giddy with nutrients...
...and starting to get feeling in my right foot.
It goes deeper than that.
- Well, then why? - For one reason, pumpkin.
Because Bundys are losers, not quitters.
And I like to think that I recognize a little bit of loser in you.
Oh, Daddy.
So that's it then, I'm a waitress.
Oh, God.
So pumpkin...
...you thought you were meant for something more, didn't you?
- Yes. - Me too.
But we weren't.
Hey, Bundy, wanna go to a movie with me later?
Maybe. What's playing?
Hot Buttered Me.
That's a good one.
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
What did I almost just do?
What have I become? What is to become of me?
What am I sitting in?
What is the meaning of life? What is being and nothingness?
Why is everyone staring at me?
Oh, that's right. Because when I talk like this, people can hear me.
When I talk like...
... I'm talking now...
...people don't hear me. I have to remember that.
Hi, honey.
I came to tell you that I have forgiven you for the terrible thing you've done.
- You mean working? - Now, we don't have to say that word.
Save that kind of bad language...
...for when you're hanging around street corners with the boys.
It's enough to say, "A mother forgives."
Oh, great hair.
No, no, no, honey, what you're doing now is thinking.
When thinking makes sounds in your throat, then you're talking.
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
You weren't supposed to, I was thinking.
Oh, you have really grown up.
Excuse me, aren't you Kelly Bundy?
Actually, I'm her younger sister.
Wow, you must have had a wild life.
Not lately.
I'm Kelly Bundy.
Wow, you must have had a wild life.
Well, not lately.
- So, what can I do for you? - Well, you were always my idol.
I thought you might help me.
I've been grounded and I've got this party to go to...
...and every kid in town with a tattoo is gonna be there.
- The Rodriguez affair. - Yeah.
But I can't go, and if I don't, I'll be socially dead.
You must go.
Mom, she's grounded. And it is wrong to openly defy your parents.
You're gonna have to sneak out.
But what if they check my room?
Well, before you sneak out, tell your mother...
...she's looking like your father, then tell your father...
...it's that time of the month, you've got cramps and you wanna talk.
No one's gonna check your room, talk to you or look at you for days.
Oh, wow, you're a genius. How do you know all this?
How does the turkey know how to fly?
He just knows.
I am so proud of you.
- Why? - Well, two reasons.
First of all, during all this...
...these people have been starving for food and you've just ignored them.
I think I see a little bit of Peggy in you.
Second thing, honey, is I think you have finally found your calling.
Why, this diner is like a husband to you.
It gives you shelter and money...
...and you don't have to do anything to earn either.
So this just might be the answer to my quest for the holy pail.
My purpose is to pass on my experience and knowledge...
...to the young.
Serving a burger with a side of wisdom, if you will.
It's nice to know that despite the fact that you've got parents...
...and teachers and brothers and sisters...
...friends and guidance counselors, policemen and priests...
...that there is somebody that you can go to when you need help.
And that someone is Kelly Bundy, philosopher waitress.
Hey, where's my food?
Drop dead.
And stay in school.
Okay, I'm gonna answer your questions in order.
Sandy, always bring a toothbrush...
...because you can cheat on your boyfriend, but not on your gums.
Miss Parker, if you insist on going out with 18-year-olds...
...have enough sense to bring along your own protection.
Safety is everyone's responsibility.
- Thank you. - Thank you so much.
Good luck, girls.
Here you go, sir.